Every year I have my resolutions, most of which are gone by about January 2nd. This year I am vowing to keep mine. This year I want to make 2009 a much less dramatic year – a simple year. I have so many people tell me that we have had such a tough few months. Tough few months??? Honestly – we’ve had a tough YEAR. Now don’t get me wrong – the outcome was more than I ever could have hoped for. But do I want to do it all again? Not really.

Our journey started about this time last year after the miscarriage. I have been very open about how devastating that was for me, and the depression that followed. Being so open about it was in itself very hard for me. I have had many struggles over the past few years – struggles with my weight and depression and the health problems that were found to have caused both, and the self-esteem issues that go along with that whole scenario. Struggles with the eating disorder and addictions that I had because of that. Not many people know about what all I went through, or the extent, but this past year has given me the courage to open up about all of that as well – as much of that (my struggle with PCOS and the damage I did to my body) is what caused our problems with infertility and pregnancy complications.

Most of the first few months of 2008 are still a blur to me, but I did start trying my best to take care of myself after the miscarriage and after we finally figured out that it was the PCOS causing many of my problems. I lost 25 lbs. pretty easily once I got on the right medications and started treating my body for the insulin resistance that goes along with PCOS. I was able to better deal with my bouts of depression because I knew it was the hormonal imbalance that caused them.

In April, though, my weight loss had to come to a stop. I started feeling pretty badly – very tired and very sick at my stomach. I finally broke down and took that dreaded pregnancy test, so many of which had come back negative in years past. When two lines showed up, I was not overwhelmed with joy. I did not get excited and want to shout it out to the entire world as I did when I got pregnant with Izzy. I was utterly scared to death. I knew that I had a 50% chance of miscarriage again because of PCOS. I knew my body still wasn’t fully recovered from the loss. I drove straight up to Chad’s office and cried like a baby.

The next 2 months were spent agonizing over every little ache. Sleepless nights worrying if it would happen again. Trying to hide my growing belly (fast growing belly) in case the worst did happen. We did not want to share that with everyone again – we had just sent out over 50 Christmas cards announcing our pregnancy last year, and three days later we weren’t pregnant anymore. That made it very hard because so many people would ask about how it was going, and we would have to explain time after time.

Our entire family who had gone through everything with us, anxiously awaited that first ultrasound. Was everything ok? Was the baby ok? We spent weeks (but it felt like months) waiting for that first visit. I will never forget being able to call everyone and say, “yes. the baby is ok, and the OTHER baby is, too!”. We were still nervous, as most parents are until that first trimester is over. We were nervous even after that because we had lost our baby during the second trimester. And then, we had the known complications of twin pregnancy to worry about.

Finally, by week 20, we were starting to realize that everything was going to be ok – it was going better than my prengnacy with Izzy. We were so excited to find out we had been blessed with a boy and a girl. But we were once again thrown for a loop when my cervix dropped, putting me on bed rest. The rest of the story is contained in the pages and posts that follow, but as everyone knows, the outcome was wonderful! More than we ever could have asked for. We gained so much out of the experience over the past year – patience, hope, trust in God, new friendships, and the rekindling of old friendships because of the experience just to name a few. And of course we got Max and Kate, too – our miracles.

I am looking forward to going back to stressing about the simple things – like Izzy painting all over my kitchen table. I am looking forward to watching Max and Kate grow – just not too fast I hope. I am looking forward to getting back into a routine – church, Izzy’s school, dinner around the table with my family, exercise. I thank God for everything that I went through. It made me a stronger person. It made me appreciate my life and the lives that Chad and I created (with God’s help of course). It made me realize the things in life that really do matter, and be able to put to rest many of the things that I worried about so much that don’t matter.

So, here’s to year 2009! Hopefully the best one yet.